SO, WE’RE DRINKING BEERS AND MY BOYFRIEND’S GOT THE WHOLE PARTY HANGING OFF HIS EVERY WORD WITH A STORY ABOUT THE ONE TIME HE WAS ROAD TRIPPING ACROSS AMERICA WITH 12 OF HIS MATES.
My brain is reeling: must. interject. with. hilarious. comment. to. show. how. awesome. I. am. and. that. he. made. good. choices. being. with. me.
Of course, my mind is blank, the brain bank is in the red, and I’m running out of time.
All of a sudden, the connection from my brain to my mouth starts talking:
It kind of reminds me of the time I was at university and joined an all girl accapella group. Ah, good times.
*Circle looks at me and collectively thinks*
Ummmm, that’s Pitch Perfect, you loser.
I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE THE FUNNIEST STORY.
I DON’T ALWAYS LAND THE PUNCH LINE.
I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE THE WITTIEST COMMENT.
BUT I DO HAVE THE BALLS TO SHARE IT WITH YOU, ALL OVER THE INTERNET.
Copywriter. CEO. Creator of Copy Boss. Who made 6 figures in her first 6 months out the gates, all from her words.
Author of The 30-Somethings. Who with the self-importance known only to her generation, went off and self-published a memoir.
Screenwriter. Who penned her first original tv comedy series pilot episode that has been reviewed with praise. An ex-corporate communicator who opened up Final Draft and never looked back.
Hey! I'm Elizabeth, and I swear I'm a multiple New York Times best selling author.*
I'm also trying out this new age thing called tricking everyone into thinking what I want is real in hopes of it actually becoming for reals. Hang on, there's an industry word for it. Affirmations. That's right.
As a writer, you might think I'm a shy, nerdy, clumsy introvert who spends her spare time with her head in the classics with an insatiable appetite for words. No way man, I'm not a nerd. How else do you think I know all the lyrics to Gettin' Jiggy With It if it wasn't for reading Smash Hits! magazine every month?
So, who am I? I'm a semi-successful business owner, a semi-talented writer, who's semi-skinny (read: normal sized), but what I lack in posing for full frontal selfies to make ends meet, I make up for in full frontal fun.
I run a client nominated award winning copywriting agency called The Copy Word. That means clients give me awards like: Best client turned friend and Best writer for turning a message into incredible copy that doesn't sound at all sales-y, but is mighty compelling and makes me money.
If you're in the market for a website to guilt trip you for not being thin, hot + rich thinking that'll be the motivation you need to turn your life around, I want you to go stream The Real Housewives of Old Skankville right now. Look at their turkey necks, don't you feel better now? If there's one thing I know for sure, nothing makes a woman feel better than comparing herself to another woman.
My love of all things not paleo means I'll never crack the hot Hollywood standard sizes, so I'm still deciding if I fully let myself go and flaunt my fabulous fatness, or I remain your average normal sized woman.
I mean, can't I just live in a world where fries aren't judged for being their true authentic selves?
I do know a thing or two about making out with hot boys and getting them to fall in love with you and it's a skill I plan on packaging up into an 8 week eCourse online called How To Get Drunk And Slay Dudes So They Can't Resist You, and with all the cash I make from selling it, I'll be able to buy my place onto the New York Times Best Selling List. No, that's not beneath me.
Oh, and I'm starting some beef with Tony Robbins. Screw you for sealing my line, because yes dude, yes you are everyone's freaking guru and you're an a-hole for going around naming your movie I'm Not Your Guru so the actual non-gurus can't all use it.
Me though? I am not your guru. I'm your girlfriend.
Let's drink bourbon and wine in the same night, and who cares about mixing alcohol.
Let's gossip and you can secretly tell me about your sex dreams about Bieber, too.
Let's face it, I'll probably fart at least 10 times during our awesome night, but it's cool cos we're tight.
*Not everything I write here is the truth.
10 Things You’ll Hate About Me
1. I played the violin at Hugh Jackman's wedding. I’m practically Wolverine royalty.
2. I got married at 22. Taylor Swift definitely didn’t sing about that. Then I got divorced
3. I'm a half-baked kinesiologist who didn't complete her case studies. Because screw coursework.
4. I got an eyebrow ring because J from 5Ive had one. I’ve never wanted to take it out.
5. Tattoos don’t offend you, yeah?
6. My two dogs bark when I Skype my clients and they still love me.
7. I made 6 figures in 6 months as a copywriter and it’s really not much to brag about.
8. I loved Harry Styles when he was in One Direction so don’t act all giddy because you love his new album. I loved him first.
9. If you ever want to watch a movie with me, I’ll tell you it has to be comedy, and it has to be a tv series. It’s called research.
10. I’ll always win at a rap off against you when Will Smith comes on. Big Willy Styles.
THE LEGIT BIO
Elizabeth McKenzie is a comedy screenwriter, copywriter + founder of Copy Boss. She's currently based in Melbourne, Australia. Her second favourite F word is fun.
With a sense of self-importance known only to her generation, she's gone ahead and written a book The 30-Somethings: Life lessons from a 30-Something that you probably already know.
Additionally, Elizabeth works as a copywriter + copywriting coach / consultant at her boutique copywriting agency The Copy Word, where she helps business owners write personality driven copy + content that’ll turn every word they write into a Beyonce single drop… ya know? A multi-platinum smash hit with sales for months.
You can find her on Facebook, Instagram + Twitter, and when she’s not writing books in her ugg boots, she’s pretending she's cool across hipster cafes in Melbourne - the LA of Australia - writing words and eating carbs.